She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
