Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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