4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
