the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I'm too high and old for this...
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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