Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
