***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Send help, water and tortillas.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
This toilet bowl is my home.
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