i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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