Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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