And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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