woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
