So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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