I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
