My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
