you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
