would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
