did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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