I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
