The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
