The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
