I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize