no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
