She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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