You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
