Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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