Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
