My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
