I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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