dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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