I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
