There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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