I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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