just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
