Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize