You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
