Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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