every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
