Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
