so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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