My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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