I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize