Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
