Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
