Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
