Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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