My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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