My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
