His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
