meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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