Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
