i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Is Oprah even human
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
