just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize