I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
