There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Randomize
