Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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