I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
