I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
