ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
