Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
