I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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