I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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