So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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