also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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