So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
