Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
This is the prime rib incident all over again
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
