new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
