People with herpes should wear stickers.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
