Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
