I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
