I wish my penis had an off switch
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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