i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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