Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
