Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
