so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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